On Not Being a Control Freak

For the last five days of being sick with the flu, I've had plenty of time to sift through amazing artwork online and glean and dig for answers to what the differences are between where my paintings are now, and where I'd like them to go next. Despite the facts that I despise dictatorships, socialistic attitudes and micromanagement perpetrators, I've come to that point where I need to actually admit... that when it comes to paint, I'm naturally a control freak. Yes, what I've always known, and was probably obvious to you has been eating away at me, making me uncomfortably defensive every time I look at a piece of art that truly speaks to me. It's that nagging wanna-be doubt that says, "You can never do that. You are a control freak." Well, I'm done. I can't take listening to that anymore, so I'm changing my art. This is a turning point for me. People can change. I can.

The beauty we find in nature, although it's infused with order and unifying patterns, exists to some extent or another in a state of chaos, which makes it incredibly interesting to look at, and explore. And why is it like that? (This is the epiphany I had today) - it's because God, our Creator, is not a "control freak." He doesn't rule as a dictator, or regulate like a micro-manager. He doesn't iron out all the wrinkles, prevent all the wars from happening, stop everyone from getting sick, or force all of the people and animals to live in separate areas, like the person (maybe me...) who keeps the peas out of the potatoes on their dinner plate. He lets things happen. He lets us make choices so we can develop. He lets us do very stupid things because He respects the agency He's given us to act for ourselves and knows we'll account for it later...when the whole painting is finished. I'm going to treat my paint more like that.

Here are some of the paintings among hundreds of others that have led me to this *crucial* moment of decision:

Whitney Lau

Tibor Nagy

Vadim Zanginian

Quang Ho

Tibor Nagy